Since my last doom-and-gloom post, my classmates made positive comments to my discussion question answer and another girl agreed with my answer and posted a similar answer.

Social anxiety is like a migraine. It's very uncomfortable, but when the discomfort breaks, a great euphoria follows. It's like the feeling of relief right after finishing a speech in my college public speaking class.

On top of this great feeling, it's Friday. And today I successfully recruited a new faculty member to teach our intro writing class. I'm glad, because faculty recruiting has always made me nervous. I still need to find a science instructor.

All of the managers at my campus like me a lot. I only actually do my own job about half the time I'm at work (or less). The rest of the time I'm helping with the admin team. Apparently, this means I'm super-organized and have streamlined everything. My supervisor wants to officially add more responsibilities to my job description and get me a new title and a raise. I wasn't originally going to be eligible for a raise until my 12-month review, but it looks like I could be getting one at my six-month mark.

Well, it's 10:30, and my body has been trained that it's now time to go to bed.

I am pretty high-strung. I am often full of anxiety. I have a lot of trouble asserting myself, I have very little confidence, and I care way too much what others think of me. What makes me anxious is when I have to express an opinion about something controversial. I am terrified of conflict. It makes me feel physically ill.

What brought on the wave of anxiety this time is a simple discussion in my college class. The question is basically, "should private investment accounts be used in Social Security?" I read a lot of articles before writing my response (it's an online class, so the discussion is in a blog/forum environment). When I went to post my response, I read other responses and *everyone* else in the classhad the opposite answer to mine. Now, I'm not sold one way or the other on this issue yet, but I found an article describing an interesting proposal and wrote my answer about it. It seemed stupid to change my answer just because no one else agreed. I am usually pretty cowardly, but this time I thought I'd bite the bullet and just post my response the way I'd written it. Once I posted it, though, the wave of anxiety came over me and hasn't left. I have two more days until the discussion on this topic ends. (We all post replies to the discussion question and then comment on other people's replies and dialogue about the concepts.) I feel sick with anxiety about the things people will say in response to my answer. Even when I'm not thinking about it, the pit of my stomach feels nervous.

Me: Am I insane?
John: No, you're not insane. Just a little neurotic.

I just need to realize that I'm not that important that anyone will even remember what I say the next day. People are worried about their own lives.

Does anyone else have anxiety issues that rival mine? It's selfish, but I'd really like to think that I'm not alone.

I feel much better after writing this out. Maybe I should write every time I feel this anxious. Maybe I should make these friends-only... :)

I can't sleep. I hate being sad. I wish I could totally detach from my emotions. I've gotten much better at it, but memories still creep up on me and make me sentimental. Plus, I worry about cancer a lot. I mean, I seriously worry about it. Once I start thinking about it at night, all chances of sleeping are gone.

I need to be more strict with myself when I go to bed. I have found a method of getting to sleep that works. I must read until I can't keep my eyes open. And then I must keep reading. Sometimes I don't feel like reading when I go to bed because I'm already so tired and it takes a lot of energy to concentrate when you're tired. But I need to remember that no matter how tired my body feels, my mind will find a way to keep it awake. So I need to start reading right away, before my mind wanders.

It doesn't help that John can fall asleep about two minutes after he lays down. I tell him he's not allowed to fall asleep until I do, but he says he can't help it. Oh, what I would give to be able to say I "can't help" falling asleep!

It's 5:00 a.m. I'm up because there's A Noise.

The first time I heard it, I jumped. It was a loud noise and I couldn't tell if it was coming from inside or outside. It sounded like a giant rubber ball being sucked into a large fan. I had John look around the apartment. Nothing.

John hadn't heard The Noise. He's a heavy sleeper, but, come on, it was really loud. So I started thinking, "Maybe I just imagined it?" I curled myself back up and tried to sleep, but my imagination kept striking up odd sounds just as I was ready to drift off. Then, when I was finally dozing, came The Noise again - a loud, almost-buzz, almost-screech. I jumped, waking John. But he still hadn't heard it. Was it real? Did I just imagine it? But I've heard it twice - it must be real.

So I lay still, waiting to hear it again. I startle very easily. This was like knowing that someone will jump out from behind a corner and scare me, but not knowing exactly when it will happen. I felt like I lay there for a very long time, my mind on edge, my body ready to go into fight-or-flight mode.

I finally did hear The Noise again, and this time John heard it too, so I knew I wasn't crazy. But I couldn't take any more restless waiting to be startled.

Now, there's a perfectly good explanation for said noise. We think our AC unit is dying (again) because when it was on, the big boxy fan outside made a loud rattling noise. So we turned off the AC. This noise is probably just something abnormal with the outside AC unit, and John will call maintenance tomorrow.

But everything is just so intense at night. My mind goes crazy with fears. Plus, it's hot and humid (for Arizona), which doesn't make sleeping easy. I think I'll try to get a few more minutes of sleep though, now that I've calmed my nerves with this journal entry.

I'm feeling kind of down. I'm probably going to turn down some projects because I am feeling stressed about them. It's kind of lame. I'm quitting, giving up, because I feel "stressed" and I just don't want to do this. But I also don't want to go to work tomorrow, and of course I'm going. It's hard to know what things I should do and what things are okay to let go.

I am also thinking again about how I use my time. Yesterday, John and I borrowed the Freaks and Geeks DVDs from a friend. We watched 3 hour-long episodes last night, and today we watched 3 more, plus several hour-long commentaries. That was a lot of fun, but it didn't really help me achieve any of my goals.

If I have several long-term goals, I need to look at how I use my time every day and see how much of my time I devote to those goals. If I devote 0% of my time to a goal, I will not achieve that goal. It's pretty simple.

My personal goals are pretty nebulous, though - things like "get more disciplined." My career goals are even worse. Last year, my dream was to be some sort of proofreader/editor and do a lot of freelance editing on the side. Then if we ever had a baby or moved around, I could still earn money. But now that I really have a good opportunity, I don't really want to do it anymore. I don't have an entrepreneurial bone in my body. I hate being my own boss. I like working independently, but I want someone else to tell me what to do. Managing my own projects stresses me out beyond even the difficulty of the project. But is this something I should work hard at and accomplish because it's a great opportunity? Or is this something I should just turn down because I don't want to feel this stressed? It's hard to tell because I get stressed so easily.

I need to define my goals. I have a hard time doing this because I don't know what I want anymore. But how will I know what to spend my time on if I don't define my goals? Plus, if I get more organized and work harder at achieving goals, I will be able to blow a weekend on watching DVDs without feeling depressed. That's just how my mind works. I have to earn my free time. I go nuts if I spend too much time doing things that don't accomplish something, but lately that's all I've been doing.

I also may have lost my phone. This never helps a bad mood.